Relieve

I think I was missing something for a long time. About what? About me, myself. I lost something inside of me and I couldn't even see what I wanted to be or what I was like... Or maybe I could say, so called "my goals" or "my dreams".

It sounds like a bit childish and selfish, I know that. So I didn't know how to share this feeling with other people... Anyway, I was so clear about my life before when I was young like 18 or so.

Now, I can barely see what my life is about, or what the meaning of my life is? I couldn't answer that too. In these past few months, I was suffering from many things. 

And.... Today, I remembered what my dream was when I was young, and I felt that dream is still the same. Because I haven’t changed, I am me. And what was that dream? It is kinda simple thing. But for me it is very important for surviving in this world.

I was sick sometimes ago, and I have recovered totally today. But I was thinking why only I could recover? While many of my friends in the hospital are still suffering until now. I was really lucky? or I fought with really good strategy? or maybe I was clever enough to see the point of my own view.... I was thinking about the others too. Why can’t they be well? Why are they so sick until now? How come it happened just like that??

I met someone when I was about to recover from the illness. He is a Psychiatrist, a normal middle age man.

I was thinking to become a Psychiatrist too at that moment to save other people like him.But he said to me like this "Well... You want to be a Psychiatrist? That is good! You are aclever and nice person, you could be a good doctor. But remember, you are writing something, right? Or maybe you can paint or draw something. You need to remember the Art is so much more powerful than any other things."

And I asked him, "Why do you say so? Doctors should be stronger than people like me."And he answered. "Well, what those Psychiatrists do is... just looking at and listening tostories from the outside. You cannot touch the person, and you cannot touch the heart of that person. But how about an artist? You can touch the heart directly and you can move that or astonish them. You could have power if you are really talented and that makes people relieve so much. What we psychiatrists can do is very small things only. We can just wait until it will be better. But you could change the whole world within just one moment or a second. Can you see how strong the power you could have?"

That story was really shocking for me. I didn't understand why the Art is existing in this world until that day.

Saving other people is not an easy task, I think sometimes that makes me feel sick too, or even that could be killing me. I know it. But I think I need to do this. And for now, this is the only reason I am here now.

Words or sentences could be a part of the Art? I am not sure too. However, I think I need to believe this. Beautiful words can support or save people sometimes. And I can feel that many people need that. My Ex sent me an E-mail today. It was like "I guess having a positive attitude really helps. I am still working on that."

Escaping is always the easiest way of solving problems for me and for everyone. And I wanted to have that "Escape" too. And how does it look like? It was very tempting and I wanted to have that so eagerly.... And I didn't choose that, what a pity, maybe I should or shouldn't.

To become someone who can save other people... To do this, maybe I need to trust myself, trust my talent, believe my friends... I think I need to be strong enough to carry others feelings or secrets too. It is not easy....

Making sentences is also not an easy thing. I feel like I am killing myself sometimes. Showing my feelings to others is so hurting sometimes. And I need to accept all that scratches too...

I don't regret in my life, so I will start some projects on my own. Until I can truly think I am good enough to support others. It is possible that I only can save one person, that is also a good thing if I can do so.